ON ‘MAMA PEACE’ AND HER ‘PEACEFUL’ BLUNDERS

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I must confess, many times in the past, I have thought them exaggerations, all the viral posts on social media that supposedly point out the shameful grammatical blunders or hilarious outbursts of Mrs Patience Dame Jonathan, alias Mama Peace, the first lady and wife of President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan of Nigeria.

However, after seeing for myself a recent video in which she literally humiliated herself on national TV, I might just believe any remark credited to her henceforth. It may not even be out of place to suggest that a separate set elections be conducted  for the office of the First Lady in subsequent elections; or that there be a constitutional provision for both a ‘first lady; kitchen’, and ‘first lady; publicity’. 🙂

Here is a transcript of her most recent outburst [or ’emotional display’ as put by Channels TV].The words in bold are her words, while others aren’t.


Do you come with two teachers?

No [comes the reply].

You were not informed too? Ehn?

Continue. No problem. God will see us. There is God. [With a raised voice], there is God in everything we are doing. Those bloods, that are sharing in Bornu, will answer … What of two teachers, WAEC, two teacher, two, ehn what of two teachers that can tell us that they conducted that exam? Do you come with any? ‘Prispal’?

Ma [says Principal].

No too?

Yes [replies Principal].

Na only you waka come, okay …[Again, raising her voice], now the first lady is calling you, come, I want to help you. Come to find your pa…, your child, your missing child. Will you keep quiet?

Nooo [All murmur in unison].

Chai! Chai! There is God o! Theeere is Good ooo! The bloods we are sharing, there is God o. [Crying now], there is God o, there is God o, there is God. Theeere is Good o, eeeee [crying loudly, clearing tears with handkerchief].

Please can you change your camera [says a male voice from the back].

 


THESE ARE SOME OF HER PAST UTTERANCES ACCORDING TO NEWSINNIGERIA.ORG

Can’t vouch for the veracity of most of them though.

1. My husband and Sambo is a good people (Imagine)

2. The President was once a child and the senators were once a children.

3. My fellow widows.

4. A good mother takes care of his children.

5. The people sitting before you were once a children.

6. Yes we are all happy for the effort, it is not easy to carry second in an international competition like this one,(addressing press men after Female Under-19 FIFA World Cup).

7. The bombers who born them? Wasn’t it not a woman? They were once a children now a adult now they are bombing women and children making some children a widow.

8. My heart feels sorry for these children who have become widows for losing their parents for one reason or another.

9. We should have love for our fellow Nigerians irrespective of their NATIONALITY

10. Thank God the Doctors and Nurses are responding to treatment.

11. I would rather kill myself instead of committing suicide.

12. Ojukwu is a great man, he died but his manhood lives on.

13. On behalf of 2million, I donate my family.

14. Why will boko haram bomb last churches on christmas day, they don’t have respect for Jesus, they are a very bad person, in fact I’m a sadder woman right now and Mr.President is more saddest.

15. We all have HIV.


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LAND OF COMMOTION

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LAND OF COMMOTION

Almost on a daily basis, my mom, a high school guidance counsellor, comes home with various stories about the various grotesque and delinquent behaviours indulged in by her students. Sometimes, she would talk of students trying to initiate others in a cult, some arrested by the police for theft and burglary or those who threaten or make successful efforts to ‘discipline’ teachers. At other times, she would make mention of cases of an older lady seducing her junior into indecent sexual behaviour while alone in a classroom, of students caught watching pornographic films, of those engaging in homosexual relationships and many who camp in the forest area in the school premise, doing all sorts of things like cooking for themselves, drinking alcohol and God knows what else. Whenever I hear such reports, I just shake my head and feel sorry for the kids, and this generation at large, for the evils that continue to hold us bondage.

However on this particular day, she narrated a story that got me giggling and which deserves to be presented on stage as a short comical play. Hence, my decision to not liberate from the tentacles of my pen (or is it, in this case, my keyboard?)

Here it goes:

There is this girl of about 17 or 18 (let’s give her an ad-hoc name, Sade). Her mother was dead worried because of her ill-health. Being a certified nurse, she conducted some medical tests for Sade, testing her for malaria, typhoid, diarrhoea etc. However, they all turned negative. She administered some drugs for the girl to take, yet the illness persisted.

Then she decided to collect some of her urine, and test her for pregnancy. Lo and behold, little Sade don carry belle. On discovering that her mom knew of her gravid condition, Sade temporarily fled her home.

Meanwhile, her mom had done some sleuthing to find out who are boyfriend (and partner in crime) was. She paid him a visit. And had both him and his brother arrested (for rape? Can’t say without knowledge of the girl’s true age).

Sade later showed up, only for her mother to commit her into the hands of the Law Enforcement Officers too. She asked her to be placed in detention to teach her a lesson (only God knows on what charge).

That is not all o.

Finally, while Sade was writing her statement at the station, she accused her mom of giving her drugs with the aim of aborting her pregnancy. And what did the Police do? They apprehended the mother too. J All of them (plaintiff, ‘accused’ and victim) are now in prison for crimes unknown.

COMPILATION OF HON. OBAHIAGBON’S STAGGERING RELEASES

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HERE IS A COMPILATION OF TEN OF THE LEGENDARY AND CONTROVERSIAL PERSONALITY, HONOURABLE PATRICK OBAHIAGBON’S (ALIAS IGODOMIGODO), RELEASES ON NIGERIAN POLITY.

DON’T JUST READ WITH THE INTENT OF LAUGHING, ENDEAVOUR TO GAIN AS WELL.

ENJOY!

1. ON NIGERIA AT 52

As we celebrate our flag and shambolic autarky at 52, we must realise that Nigeria is still more of a geographic contrivance as has been
rightly posited by Chief Obafemi Awolowo. Not with our centrifugal
excrescences preponderating over our centripetal proclivities.
It’s a matter for mental pabulum that we are daily drifting into our ethnic cocoons. We still remain one country with disparate ethnic agendas and I can say it for the umpteenth time again that we must sit down in a sovereign national colloquy to discuss the basis for our nationhood.
Anything short of this is just vacuous scahiamachy.”
Patrick Obahiagbon

2. ON PROF. SOFOLUWE’s DEATH.

“I condole with the UNILAG Community on the recumb in quietus of the VC, Prof. Sofoluwe. The clerisy has lost a solitaire. “Prof. Sofoluwe’s passing is mere ephemeral recumbent hibernation; an
empyrean paradisiac rendezvous lies ahead. Heaven is the terminus,”
Patrick Obahiagbon On Being Disturbed By A Girl On Facebook

3. ON DISTURBANCES ON HIS FACEBOOK WALL

At long last,Sodom and Gomorrah don come tanda gidigba for my FB Wall.I beg make una help me beg one Sabinna with kpotoki body and her coquettish fidus achates when they dress in puris naturalibus for my wall say make them carry their fiddle.faddle commot go another piazza.I enter public disclaimer lest i swim in the legal aqua of
particeps criminis.

4. ON GOV. OSHIOMOLE’s VICTORY AGAINST TONY ANENIH.

“Amidst the great cosmogyral peregrinations of galaxies, amidst the great turmoil in the Land, there is still hope for the future. Congratulations the People’s Governor.
The Governor’s antecedents is the coherentific factor behind the Great People of Edos’ consensus verdict. Tony Anenih will be positively alabandical. Say no to God Fatherism.”

5. ON NIGERIAN PASTORS AND PRIVATE JETS

I cast my vote for Bishop Matthew Hassan Kukah and Pastor Tunde Bakare in their demosthenic vitriol against spiritual megalomaniacs whose modus vivendi has become increasingly byzantine and
repulsively narcissistic.We must all begin to deprecate this razzmatazz and Nestorian braggadocio in the “HOUSE OF
GOD”,because when there is no difference between the values of a Pastor and a typical Nigerian Politician,then it’s truly a
bolekaja ambience.

6. ON THE JUBILATION IN KADUNA OVER YAKOWA’S DEATH

“Whilst I feel tongue tied that we are witnessing another ‘air mishap’ that has taken the lives of fellow Nigerians, I am utterly shocked to hear of the jubilation in certain Northern political quarters and muslim youths in Kaduna State. Just too too cruddy and it is beyond the fugacious razzmatazz of the moment.
“I seriously call attention to the rutilanting and coruscating modus vivendi of Master Jesus the Christ and I dare pontificate that
save and until we viscerally emblematize the virtues of self-immolation, quintessential abnegation, eulogizeable simplicity, humility and immerse ourselves in a platonic emotionalism of agape love and communalistic service and head to
unity as one nation,”

7. AFTER LOSING HIS PRIMARY ELECTION.

‘This has made me suffused with emotional narcolepsy that the
homosapiens in d metro-political geographical enclave of Edo have opted for Owanbe-ing over legislative Quomodo dicis. Such a reckless display of narcissistic and flamboyant hedonism is capable of
encumbering our nascent democracy with insidious, repercussive and cataclysmic exigencies.

8. ON 2013 ASUU STRIKE

This ASUU strike is a miasma of a deprecable apothesis of an hemorrhaging plutocracy, cascadingly oozing into a malodorous excrescence of mobocracy.
With all termagant ossifying proclivities of a kakistocracy, our knowledgia centura is enveloped in a paraphlegic crinkum crankum.
Therefore ASUU,cest in dejavu, dejavu peret ologomabia.

9. ON PATIENCE D. JONATHAN AND THE RIVERS STATE CRISIS

Is the malodorous excrescence in Rivers state,cascadingly oozing out from erebus Dame,all about the satiation of a megalomaniacal presidential termagant?
Let someone please assist me in whispering to the Dame that Alagamus Paret,Ai Ai Num,Ai Ai Num Cest Daret,Opotere Alagamus…

AND LASTLY…

10. AN INTERVIEW WITH VANGUARD

What is the meaning of Igodomigodo? So many people would want to know?

Igodomigodo is a political sobriquet I have habilimented or if you like togarise my identity for a period of aeon to emblematize my culturico-spiritual fons et origo. It was an advertent stratagem to
cosmopolitanize my genealogical matrix and arcane trajectory since it was not by accident that I originated from the land of Igodomigodo. The interesting thing is that IGODOMIGODO, being the pristine
nomenclature of the Bini man, evokes in me the alacritous presence of the invisible “gods” of my progenitors which, by itself, invokes a luxuriation in an ancestral egregore of pristine resurgimento.

How did you actually come about the bombast with which you speak?

Well, this question can be answered from a bifurcated fons et origo.
One, I had a singular privilege of having a martinet for a father. My father was, and remains a very strict disciplinarian of puritanical and quixotic predilection. What that meant, my brother, in practical terms was that I never saw the streets of Benin outside my father’s compound after 7p.m., until I became a practising lawyer. I didn’t
know how Benin looked like after 7p.m., except of course when I had to go to school.
If you grew up under that type of ambience, you cannot but put your nose to the grindstone. And more germane was the fact that when my father traveled abroad, he brought with him a flyer to the effect that good speakers have ruled the world, and if you want to rule the world, you cannot but be a good speaker. I was very impressionable when he gave me this flyer which he had bought from London
and for me who have always had the primus mobile and gravitating force to want to be part and parcel of the political higgi haggar of my milieu, I said to myself that if being a good speaker was the
condition sine qua non for ruling the world, then I was going to do everything possible to be a good speaker and that was how I acclimatized myself very voraciously to the Students’ Companion and read all there was to read that came my way. It was indeed a period of mental lucubration and intellectual gymkhana but more fundamentally is the fact that – and I’ve always said this – for most people, the dictionary is a reference point; but, for me, for over 25years now, the dictionary is a vade mecum – constant companion that
is.

How?

I have spent nothing less than an hour on a daily basis on my dictionary for the past twenty five years and this could go from
the pedestrian dictionary to the Encyclopedia and even to the Encarta
dictionaries.

What purpose do you want to achieve with that? Just to speak, or to confuse people by being bombastic and verbose?

Let me tell you an incident that occurred that I want to bring under focal hiceps and biceps when I had the rare privilege to peregrinate through the green chambers, the House of Representatives, specifically.
I’m talking about when I had the opportunity to describe the intended
legislative gambadoism of my colleagues as amounting to legislative rascality. You remember I was to be committed to
parliamentary seppuku for that idiolect.

THANKS FOR READING!

‘MY OGA AT THE TOP’: A MESSAGE TO ALL

‘MY OGA AT THE TOP’: A MESSAGE TO ALL

 

Channels TV: what is the website of NSCDC?

Shem: the website of NSC…NSCDC…yes will be made known…I cannot categorically tell you one now…because the one that…

Channels TV: (cuts in) you have multiple websites?

Shem: wait, wait…the one we are going to make use of, I am not the one that is going to create it.

Channels TV: see, the question is what is your website?

Shem: (cuts in) waaait , the one we are going to make use of…is go…is going to remain known by (raising right index finger) my oga at the top. I can’t announce one now and my oga says it’s another one.

Channels TV: you mean NSCDC has multiple websites?

Shem: see, we cannot have multiple websites, but the one that…that…my oga will say

Channels TV: not the one for employment. what is your website now. The one you use normally. Your official website. If you want to know about NSCDC, what website do you go to?

Shem: okay, if you want to know about NSCDC as at now?

Channels TV: exactly.

Shem: okay, ww.nscdc

Channels TV: yes

Shem: yes, so… (Coughs). That’s all.

Channels TV: ww.nscdc? …that’s it?

Shem: yes.

* * * * * * * * * *

A person willing to be acquainted with the leading distraction in Nigeria need not go far before he hears someone shout; ‘you are my oga at the top’, ‘my website is dobiyu dobiyu dot daz all’, ‘lemme first of all ask my oga at the top’ and so on. Or perhaps he might even be fortunate to catch a glimpse of one of the polos and shirts customised to celebrate this act of; shall we say mediocrity, ignominy or spirited witlessness? We can logically conclude that a Nigerian who is unaware about the tale is either among the 71.57% of Nigerians without internet access or one of the 55.3% without access to TV.

The topical hilarious, yet disastrous ‘my oga at the top’ saga is one which, in my sincere opinion, should oblige us to engage in deep introspection on our predicament as a nation.

Some are of the view that Mr Obafaiye Shem, the Lagos state commandant of the Nigeria Security and Civil Defence Corps and the icon in this drama, ought to resign or better still be sacked for committing such a weighty blooper. But then, I think that this should not be the case. The only flaw people who are critical of the man can point out is that which concerns the organisation’s website address; which I frankly deem trivial and negligible. I mean, the man has just recently celebrated 100 days in office and a URL address is one of the things he should not be bothered with, especially giving the office he holds. The only problem I have is his trying to bluff his way out rather than just admitting his unawareness, and then his constant reference to his ‘oga at the top’, whoever that is.

Watching the video again, I could not but laugh at the laughable, unimpressive and preposterous manner in which Mr Shem arrogantly answered the question. He obviously seemed uncomfortable and fidgety. Perchance, he was only caught up with the dilemma principle.

Some also opine that the startling diffusion of the incident is because of the activities of companies who want to divert attention from the content of the interview. However, I beg to disagree. The stuff has gone viral because Nigerian cyber-surfers want it that way. The question we should ask ourselves is why do Nigerians want it that way. My answer: poverty and idleness. Most Nigerians have little or nothing to do. We needed something to while away time, and ‘our oga at the top’ has come to give us just that.

Finally and finally, my message to all and sundry is one, to not just be the best in whatever it is we are doing, but also to have little knowledge on other things as well. Because, seriously speaking, it could have been anybody. Mr Shem, surprisingly has three degrees to his credit, yet he is yet to master the art of speechifying. This makes one wonder how he successfully scaled through his past interviews. Two, we should endeavour to take note of little subtle details because at times they matter more than the glaring ones. Let us not be extremely conservative to the extent of not paying attention to important things such as the format URL addresses take. Three, it never pays not to know a thing, and claim or act as if you know it. If you do this, you will only succeed in making a ridicule of yourself and making your ignorance more apparent. Lastly, we all know that in Nigeria, one needs ‘ogas at the top’ to go places, but never attempt to over-extol them while giving public addresses, most especially on channels TV. 🙂

A MOSLEM BUT

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A MUSLIM BUT.
This is a conversation that took place between a Muslim, who just got to his workplace, and his non-muslim boss.

Muslim: Good morning boss.
Boss: Good morning, how was your night?
Muslim: Thanks be to God, it was fine. And yours?
Boss: It was very stressful. I could not sleep. Spent most of the night reading this article that discusses Islam. . .By the way, do you know where I can find any moslem? I have a couple of questions.
Muslim: err. . .well, I am a Muslim. I’m sure you can ask me.
Boss: Really?
Muslim: Yes.
Boss: Well, it says here that moslems believe in one God called Allah, and in Mohammed as His final messenger.
Muslim: Yes. Yes. Exactly. I believe in those.
Boss: Okay. It also says here that moslems observe. . .err. . .Solah. . .five times everyday. . .do you do that?
Muslim: err. . .I am Muslim but I do not pray five times daily. But, at times, I do observe the morning prayer.
Boss: Hmmn. Okay. I think it is also written here that it is mandatory for Muslims, who are well-to-do, to pay a particular percentage of their income. . .Zekkah, right?
Muslim: yes, weeell. . .I am a Muslim but I do not pay zakat.
Boss: Is that so? I also remember the article says that Moslems observe fast in a month, is that r-romaddan? We are in that month, right? Is that not a can of coke in your hand?
Muslim: It’s true we’re in the month of Ramadan. But, I-I-I don’t fast.
Boss: Hmmn. . .interesting. . .it says some other stuffs like; Moslems perform holy pilgrimage to Mecca, they do not shave their beard, they do not eat pork, they do not collect interest. . .how about those?
Muslim: w-w-e-e-ll, I am a Muslim but I’ve never been to Makkah, you know, because I’m not very rich, I need to get another car and a lot of other expenses are at my hand. . .I shave my beard, since we’re in New york and that’s the common practice. . .I also eat pork occasionally. . .However, I am a Muslim. . .you see, my name is ‘Abdullah.
Boss: I don’t understand. . .oh-oh. . .now I get it. . .you are a Moslem butt, not a complete moslem. . .I suggest you get the head, trunk, hands and legs, so that you may become whole.

LESSON: AS MUSLIMS, WE SHOULD LET OUR ISLAM BE BY NAME or CALLING ALONE. ISLAM MUST BE REFLECTED ALSO IN OUR CREED, BEHAVIOUR AND MORAL OUTLOOK. WE SHOULD COMPLETELY AND WILLINGLY SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF ALLAH, AS THAT IS WHAT ISLAM IS ALL ABOUT. ALLAH SAYS IN THE QUR’AN [Q.5, V.3] THAT HE HAS PERFECTED ISLAM AS A WAY OF LIFE, FOR US. HE ALSO SAYS IN SURATU-L-BAQARAH [Q.2, V. 208] THAT WE SHOULD ENTER COMPLETELY INTO ISLAM.

WE SHOULD LET ISLAM PERMEATE THROUGH ALL ASPECTS OF OUR LIVES. IT IS ERRONEOUS FOR US TO WANT TO BE RELEVANT WHEN IN THE MIDST OF FELLOW MUSLIM BROTHERS, AND AT THE SAME TIME BLEND WHENEVER WE ARE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE DISOBEDIENT TO ALLAH, subhanahu wata’ala. IT IS ERRONEOUS TO SEEK TO PLEASE ALLAH, AND THE SAME TIME SEEK TO PLEASE OUR SELFISH APPETENCIES, OUR FRIENDS AND THE SOCIETY…

...LET US BE MUSLIMS !

<<<NOTE: THE ABOVE CONVERSATION IN AN EXCERPT FROM ONE OF SHEIKH YUSUF ESTES’S LECTURES>>